Five Question Friday- April 27

1. Do you make your kids finish all the food on their plates?
Nope.  Never have and never will.  That causes bad food habits.  I do try to encourage the girls to take only what they will eat or to take a little and go back for more if they wish.

2. Do you give an allowance?
Again, no.  I don't believe that at this age it actually teaches financial responsibility.  They will learn that latter in life.  My girls get plenty of toys, snacks, and treats at various times, and it all depends on what is happening at the time.

3. Do you actually park your car in the garage?
Nope!

4. What is one food you will NEVER cook?
Preferably all of them!  Ug, I really hate cooking.  I can't really say there is anything I would never cook.  You never know what kind of strange ideas we will come up with in this house!

5. Do you have anything exciting planned for the summer?
My husband and I are hoping to take a day trip to the Grand Canyon Deer Farm with the kids.  We got married there, and it's been a long time since we've been able to go back and visit.  Hopefully things will be calm enough for this to happen for us.  I'm really looking forward to it.  


Other than that, I am excited that I will be teaching two fun summer school classes.  Both are based on the historical fiction book called "Chains" by Laurie Halse Anderson.  The morning session will be a literature study of the book.  The afternoon session will be writing and putting together a newspaper based on the time period.  It should be a lot of fun.  I'm hoping my principal will let my girls join me even though they don't attend my school.  I think they would enjoy the class and I know they would add a lot to the discussions.

Frustration

Since my blog is for my readers, but also for myself, I need to take this quick moment to vent.  Things are NOT as stable as I believed them to be over the weekend.  This week has been hell, with ups and downs that are so classic it's like I could have written a script.  This is WAY too much to deal with sometimes.  I am so overwhelmed I can't think straight.  Yet, I have to go on and continue in life just like I always have.  HOW am I really supposed to be expected to go to work, keep the house up, interact with my own children, AND worry about my husband, our marriage, and our futures?  At some point something has got to give.  I'm dropping balls everywhere I turn.  I HATE bipolar disorder and the inconsistency of life that goes with it!

Daniel is going in for an appointment this afternoon to let the doctor know that he is nowhere near stable (like the doctor thought on Saturday based on one week of stability) and see if they can make a medication adjustment today.  While that is happening, at the exact same time, I will be having my formal observation at class by my boss.  Gotta love this timing!

What Bipolar Looked Like In Our Family

One thing I have learned about bipolar is that while the symptoms are similar for each person they come out in a different way.  For example, one person's impulsiveness may involve gambling or illegal behavior while another person may start building a back yard deck.  I think people have a complete misconception about mental illness and believe that it is completely obvious when someone is sick.  I am here to say that is completely untrue.

Living with Daniel for the past 13 years has definitely had ups and downs.  At first I thought they were normal peaks and valleys of a relationship.  Then we hit some REALLY hard times.  At that time I begged others for help (I'm not quite ready to get into that story here) but was denied.  Daniel and I wound up separating.  Fortunately we got back together after about four months, but it took some serious work to repair our relationship.  After that we have had periods where we just weren't "right," but neither one of us was willing to walk away.

Looking back I realize that at first Daniel was showing the typical bipolar cycling of hypomania (not quite full blown mania but with many of the same symptoms) and depression with some time in between the two.  Right before his diagnosis, though, Daniel was rapidly cycling from one side to the next with little to balance the two.  In fact, he was having what is called mixed symptoms.  In the same day, at the same time, he could show signs of mania and depression all at once.  Talk about confusing!  That was probably the hardest part for all of us.

The situation that has had the most impact was how Daniel could be so incredibly loving and supportive one day, then turn around the next and act like nothing I did was right.  During those times he could say some really cruel and hurtful things.  Everything that was going wrong in our lives was my fault, even though I always did my best to keep our family stable.

Daniel describes his side of the situation well in a blog post he wrote called My Big Vent.  It is true that I have spent the last several years covering up some of Daniel's moods and behaviors.  I would take the fall many, many times for circumstances that I was reacting to.  I looked like the bad guy more times than I can count, and Daniel will readily admit that.  I got good at making excuses for why we couldn't hang out with friends or why we were leaving family parties early.  Many times this was in periods of depression for Daniel and life was simply overwhelming.

The problem with life being overwhelming for one partner means that the other one usually has to pick up the pieces.  Daniel would sometimes blow off work or do just the minimum to get by.  As business owners together that led to me explaining to customers that we would pick up the slack the next week.  Of course, when I was dealing with this I would try to explain to Daniel that we just couldn't run our business this way.  Frankly, it got to a point that every time the phone rang I was afraid another unhappy customer was on the other end ready to drop service.  Living with stress became the rule rather than the exception.

Mental illness is tough.  It affects entire families.  In Daniel's post he implies that he was able to "hide" his depression.  The truth is I saw it; I just didn't know what it was.  I thought at times he was lazy or just didn't care.  I thought he wasn't putting effort into our relationship and our responsibilities.  Had I known, I would have handled life differently, but the truth is I did what needed to be done just to get by.

Coyote

Daniel and I went for a walk Sunday morning while it was cool outside.  I'm kind of glad it was just he and I because I freaked out when I saw a coyote heading right toward us!  It was actually pretty funny, because we were walking and talking and Daniel suddenly pushed me to the opposite side of him.  I looked up to where he was gazing, and there was a coyote just wandering down the road.

Now, we don't live in a rural area at all.  This is not a place I would have expected to see a wild animal.  We live in a metropolitan area.  There is not a natural habitat for coyotes anywhere near us.  They must be out looking for food and/ or water with our temperatures suddenly soaring into the triple digits.

The funniest thing is that as I was getting ready to cross the road because I was afraid of the coyote, Daniel told me they are really actually kind of skittish.  Sure enough, as soon as I calmed down and just watched him wander by, the coyote turned and looked at me like he was afraid I was going to chase him.  He was only about 10 feet away from us, but he minded his own business and kept on walking.  Boy was he beautiful!

Our friend had mentioned the other day that he saw a coyote in the grocery store parking lot a few miles down the road, and I had been picking on him saying he was imagining things.  I wonder if this is a family of coyotes or if there are a few lone animals hanging around.  I wonder if this is the same one our friend saw.  Either way I hope the animals find what they are looking for without causing damage that will wind up with animal control destroying them.

The picture below is not of the exact coyote we saw because we didn't think to take Daniel's phone out and snap a picture.  This looks exactly like the one we saw, though.

Another Triumph

Daniel's psychiatrist appointment went really well on Saturday.  I can't believe how quickly this whole process is happening.  I had been warned that it can take a good year to even out, but here we are just six short weeks after we began this journey talking about "stable" with the doctors.  I am so excited!

Daniel has been on medication for three weeks now, slowly raising the dose to minimize side effects and make sure the right combination of medication and dose is achieved.  Yesterday the doctor was really pleased with Daniel's mood chart for the last week.  Eureka!  The right dose has been found, at least for now.  The doctor wants to be sure Daniel still experiences a normal range of emotions, and he wants to minimize the chances for side effects to pop up.  So, he has decided Daniel will still at this level for at least the next four weeks.  AND... we don't have another appointment for that long.  Life is starting to get back on track already.

This is not to say that Daniel's medication will never be raised.  He is still having days his mood chart shows a little bit outside of "normal," but he's only been on this dose for a week, and I am really pleased with how Daniel has been acting.  I hope it feels good for him, too.

The doctor did also say that we need time for me to adjust to a new normal.  Daniel is so much more calm and peaceful that I need to learn to expect that reaction.  Frustrations seem like so much less of an issue now.  Daniel isn't running around the house cleaning like a mad-man, but he's getting responsibilities taken care of while taking time to relax.

I'd say this has been a fantastic week for us.  We are well on our way to a more balanced, happy life together.  And really, that's all I can ask for out of life!

Feeling Beachy Friday Fill-In- April 20

1.       I always forget how frustrating my "Fibromyalgia" pain can be until it recurs.  Ug!

2.       I never drive without putting my seat belt on.  I had a few car accidents when I was first driving that showed me the importance of safety in a vehicle.  

3.      Recently I started to talk to Daniel more openly, and it has helped tremendously!  Since we have been seeing a psychologist together life has become much more transparent.  I don't have to hide just how much I'm experiencing.  Of course, that's not to say I haven't still been protecting him from the pain I feel, but I've been more honest about it.

4.      If I had to find a date, the last place I would look for one is outside of a strip club.  I wouldn't be able to handle dating a guy who wanted to go look at other women when he wasn't with me.

5 Question Friday- April 20

1. Groceries are high right now what is easiest way you have found to cut back?
To be honest, we have been buying more processed foods than previously.  I know they aren't as good for us, but between our lives being turned upside down in the past month and the price of groceries, that's the way the ball rolls.  We have noticed a decrease in our grocery bill due to these changes.  It really stinks that healthier food really does cost more than the junk.

2. What are the top 3 things on your "bucket list"?

I really don't have a bucket list.  I've accomplished the things I really wanted out of life.  If I had to make a list there are a few things I'd like to do, but if they don't get done in this lifetime I'm not too worried about it.  There is ONE bucket list item, the first in this list, that is essential, though:

1.  See my daughters grow up with a sense of accomplishment and satisfied with life

2.  Go to Sea World with my husband and children

3.  Go on an Alaskan cruise or to Australia

3. Would you rather give up AC or heat?
This is a tough one.  I really can't handle the cold so a heater would be nice.  Then again, 110+ temperatures in AZ can be pretty brutal.  I think in the end I would rather give up the heater, but don't expect me to leave the house once I get bundled up and comfy in my fuzzy pjs and blankets!

4. What's your favorite cocktail?
I don't drink cocktails anymore, but I did enjoy Screwdrivers when I did drink.  I just don't see the point in alcohol anymore, so I stick with beverages that don't have side effects.

5. What was your first job and how old were you?
I've been going to work with my mom to do filing and odd jobs ever since I can remember.  The first paying work I can think of was as a mother's helper for a teacher of mine during the summer.  It was kind of like babysitting, but she was home doing work.  My job was to keep the baby occupied while Mom worked.  I was 10-years-old.  

I'm a Good Wife!

It's not too often that I toot my own horn, but today I get to do that.  As frequent readers know, Daniel and I have been undergoing intense medical care for the past six weeks.  He was diagnosed officially with bipolar disorder three weeks ago.  In that time period he has been seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and attending a group therapy class.  It's been exhausting, but it's been oh, so worth it.

I am so proud of my husband!  The more I read about bipolar disorder, the more I realize just how lucky I am. Daniel WANTS to be treated and to get well.  He is actively involved in his treatment and was the one to seek out help as soon as we realized he needed it.  For many with the disorder denial and inattention to detail is common.  Daniel has been incredible in participating in getting stable as quickly as possible.

Last night we took a big jump toward becoming "normal" again in our family life.  We saw the psychologist together, as the health care professionals have chosen to take this on as a family matter, not leaving me out of any step.  The doctor talked with us about how we are starting to see results with the medication, how we are starting to not focus on only the disorder, and how we are starting to transition back to a functioning home and family life that does not revolve around bipolar talk.  She noticed that we are reading about the disorder together at night and discussing ways to set up our lives so we can better work with the quirks of bipolar disorder.  For example, we go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning- weekends included.

Essentially we are doing everything we need to do to repair our relationship, which wasn't really all that broken to begin with.  We are taking care of Daniel's needs as necessary, but we are not overlooking my needs.  The funny thing is, through this process we have found that I, more than Daniel, will need some emotional support.  We have discovered that I have, for the past 12 years, taken on a tremendous amount of responsibility that I will need to learn to share with Daniel and stop protecting him from every little stress in life.  He will need to learn to deal with stress and upsetting situations.  I will need to learn to share my stress fully in order to feel fulfilled and completely let go.  Essentially I need to learn to trust the relationship and feel safe  in sharing my frustrations of life.

Outside of our relationship, the psychologist was mostly interested in how Daniel is handling day to day events.  Since we are starting to see improvements since the medication has begun to kick in, Daniel is doing an incredible job with that!  Things that would have upset him for the whole day (a frustrating phone call with a bill collector) are starting to become easier to handle.  Of course he was unhappy for a period of time, but he didn't let the anger and anxiety build all day, causing an uncomfortable evening.  In fact, our night together was pretty enjoyable.  And, it's perfectly normal to be irritated by the type of phone call he handled.  Essentially, Daniel is learning to not let his emotions soar out of control to a point that is unmanageable or outside of "normal" ranges for the typical person.  He is, in this way, becoming predictable and understandable when he does have strong emotions.

Why does this make me a good wife?  Well, because the psychologist said so!  Okay, seriously she really did say that what I have done was a huge sacrifice and that I continue to be a solid rock for Daniel.  I don't really see it that way, mostly because I have never been one to give myself credit when I do something great.  But, I DID hold our family together for a great number of years, and I DID keep Daniel planted on the ground when there were times he could have made some pretty goofy decisions.  I held my ground, stood up for myself and my children, and expected nothing but the best out of life for all of us.  I did a pretty fantastic job getting through school and starting my first year of teaching, all the while living a roller coaster with my husband who at times would be loving and gentle and at other times be distant and unattached.

As we continue through this process of getting Daniel stable I know I will need to let him start making some of the decisions instead of being a stubborn bull.  That part is not going to be easy.  I'm going to have to let him take some risks now and then and see where life takes us.  Knowing that he is completely connected to life and our family will make that easier.  And, knowing that I CAN steer our family back to the right track will always be the ace in my back pocket.  I AM a great wife!

Oh, the psychologist said we are doing so well together that she feels comfortable seeing us on an "as needed" basis.  We don't have any more appointments scheduled!  If Daniel or I (or both) feel we need to see her to help with a situation we just need to call and make an appointment.  Otherwise we are down to just the psychiatrist to continue to work on getting the medication worked out, and Daniel has his group therapy class.  Things are moving along quite nicely and quickly.  I'm so impressed with US!

I Hate the Word "Crazy"

It seems that everywhere I turn lately I hear the word "crazy" in conjunction with mental health disorders.  I'm here to tell you that "crazy" has nothing to do with it.  When are we, in this supposed greatest country in the world, going to find some compassion for the people sitting next to us?

Just a few weeks ago Daniel was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and we have been reading and educating ourselves as much as possible.  Some may know the disorder as manic-depressive.  The type Daniel has (Type II) does not have psychotic episodes (hallucinations, grandiose delusions, etc.) so it is possible he could have continued to live for years or even his lifetime without being diagnosed.

To be honest, throughout our marriage I simply thought Daniel was a huge jerk from time to time.  He would slide out of being his typical generous, loving self and into a shell where no one could get through to him.  Bipolar can be very selfish in many ways, and this is one area Daniel and I are struggling to work on now.  There were some major hurts that occurred during those time periods, but we are dealing with them with the help of the professionals Daniel found and trusted enough to open up and receive help for his condition.

To hear any mental illness referred to as "crazy" now is like having an ice pick stabbed through my heart.  My husband is not crazy and never has been.  He is one of the most incredible people I have met, though he does have periods of time where he is not as social, understanding, or encouraging as he normally is.  These periods are rough, but that does not mean he doesn't comprehend what is happening around him.  He simply isn't able to react the same way most people would expect.

Now that I can see there was a biological reason for some of Daniel's previous behavior it breaks my heart.  I can see signs of the struggle he had to stay "with" me and not disappear into his own word of pain.  I feel terrible for some of the things I said and accusations I made.  These struggles were no different than my own inner battles, though.  They don't make Daniel any different than the rest of us, and I hate the implication that people who need mental health care are different than the rest of us.  We all need to learn to take care of ourselves.

Monday's Music Moves Me- April 16

"Superman" Five For Fighting



There is one song that has absolutely defined the past couple of weeks.  Daniel has been calling me his hero since the day I convinced him to see the doctor about what turned out to be bipolar disorder.  I don't feel like a hero, but he tries to tell me that's the point.  Anyway, this song really touches a nerve this week.  Heroes really do bleed.

3 in 30- April Week 2

                                                                    

Wow, somehow I missed many weeks.  It's time to make some goals for April.  Well, in light of new developments in my life, priorities have shifted.  Goals, therefore, must as well.  Here they are for this month.

1.  Continue to spend quality time with Daniel in the evenings at least five nights per week.  One of the doctors has us doing homework- reading together so we can discuss at future appointments.  I've really been enjoying that time, knowing that we have something to look forward to together that does not involve the children.

2.  Get lesson planning done BEFORE it becomes a stress on Sunday evening.

3.  Find an activity to enjoy for ME!

Five Question Friday- April 13

1. Who mows your grass?

My husband does our yard as part of his landscape maintenance route.  We are the last customer on the list for the week.  Once our yard is done, the weekend begins!

2. Do you have a picture wall or picture gallery in your house?

Not really.  We mostly have pictures all over the house. 

3. What book has influenced your thinking the most? Or, what blog? (I want to read what gets people thinking!)

I get something from almost everything I read.  I wouldn't really say there is a "most."

4. Do you have allergies? If so, how do you handle it this time of year?

I do have seasonal allergies.  As soon as they start to bug me I take a Zyrtec.  I usually have to take the 24 hour version for a couple of weeks until allergy season is over.

5. What's your go to meal to cook in an hurry?

I love that my husband does 99% of the cooking in our house.  When we are both super busy and rushing around, hot dogs make a simple meal that everyone likes.

Five Question Friday- April 6

1. Would you prefer having people over for dinner or going to their house?
I can definitely say I prefer to go to other people's homes for dinner.  I am not good at being a host, and I just feel uncomfortable.  To be honest, I'm not real social anyway.  I'd rather just throw a pizza in the middle of the table, no matter where we are, and say "dig in!"

2. Favorite Bible verse and why?
I no longer consider myself a Christian and do not read the Bible.  I don't have a favorite verse.
3. What was the first concert you ever attended, and the most recent one?
The first concert I ever attended was Metallica and Guns 'N Roses when I was 18.  That was a GREAT show!  The most recent concert I attended was Collin Raye when Andrea was just a baby (10 years ago).  Those are the big names, though.  If you count local performances we have been to plenty.  Our community has concerts in the park frequently, and we have seen all sorts of music from classical to jazz.
4. The year is 2025. What are you doing, and what have you done?
In 2025 I will be 51 years old.  Wow!  My daughters will be 22 and 24 years old- college students.  I will have been teaching for a dozen or so years- a veteran in the business.  Outside of that, who knows where life will take me?  Oh, and I will have been married to a wonderful man for 25 years- half my life.  
5. What's your favorite Easter treat?
I love the hard boiled eggs.  Yum, I really should make some now for lunch tomorrow!

Bipolar Disorder

Well, I've been awfully quiet on my blog, and it feels like I'm running away from it.  Why?  Quite frankly I'm living a life of hell right now and I'm just not sure writing for the public is the best option.  Do people really want to hear about this side of life?  Am I ready to share these intense struggles and the triumphs that go with them?  When it comes right down to it, though, I don't know what else to do BUT write.

Just a couple of weeks ago my husband was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and adult ADD.  He's probably struggled with both since childhood and most definitely since adolescence.  For the past 13 years I have lived this right along with him but not known what the cause was.  To be honest I thought he was just an ass at times.  He was difficult to get along with and could at times make life seem unbearable.  To him, I now know, life WAS unbearable.

I have not been on my best game lately, that is for sure.  I feel unfocused, frustrated, and like curling up in a ball until this all goes away.  Just getting to work on a daily basis has been difficult at best.  The thing is, this WON'T all just magically disappear.  We will be working at this for a long time, up to a year to achieve full stabilization according to the psychiatrist.  Life WILL get better for us, and we are seeing improvement already, but most of this is thanks to my husband's unending determination and desire to become "well."

I'm exhausted, I'm scared to death knowing we are going to have to face some of the events from the past caused by this disorder, and I'm lonely.  BUT, I am also hopeful, excited for the future, and so proud.  I am proud of a man who has never stopped loving me and our girls, who has always tried his best to keep life together for us, and for working so hard at his treatment already.

Please know that if I am frustrated, more quiet than usual, or just not "up," I am going through a lot.  I have my own roller coaster to ride.  I've been riding right along with him for some time trying to keep the peace and keep life as stress-free as possible.  For some reason the diagnosis didn't take any of this away but has put a magnifying glass on all of these feelings.  We're working on it all, though.  Fortunately his doctors have chosen to take a couples approach to his treatment, so I have not been overlooked.  We will come out of this as better people, and I know this has already made me a more compassionate person with both my friends and my students.  I hope you all will stick by as we start this new journey in life.

My husband has given his permission for me to share this information about him and has actually encouraged me to do so.  He knows this is not just about him but about all of us as a family and that writing is my way of making sense of life.  I appreciate his honesty and his understanding.