As I sit writing this blog post I know I could be out running. I could be in cleaning the bathroom, which is in desperate need of a good scrubbing. I could be playing tag with the girls outside. I could do any of the above if I could just find the motivation. Does this make me lazy? I sure hope not. What it does make me is one exhausted human being.
I am frustrated, thinking about all the days that I dragged myself to the gym in the beginning of this journey. I thought it was tough, then, to exercise on a daily basis. Now I feel like I am exercising all day, then I need to find the last bit of energy to pull out and use for the "real" exercise of running, lifting weights, or whatever it is I could be doing to workout. Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a working woman has been an adjustment that I am just not doing well with.
On a fairly regular basis lately I have burst into tears for what appears to be no reason. No, dropping something on the floor isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is that now I have to bend over to pick it up, which is painful to my back that hurts and my head that aches. What is a big deal is that now I have to clean up the floor from whatever I spilled. That means taking the time that I really didn't have in the first place to get out the mop or the dish rag. What is a big deal is that while I was scrubbing the floor I saw 27 other little chores that need to be done.
Daniel has been fantastic about getting the house in order. Every day he does laundry and dishes. Every day he cooks dinner and helps the girls with their homework. Every day I come home and feel like I am in the way if I try to do something to help. Every day I feel like I haven't done my job, and I haven't cared for my husband and children the way they should be taken care of. I am losing perspective of what my role is in the home.
Student teaching is demanding. On the other hand it is incredibly rewarding. But, my identity has always been defined by who I am at home. Right now I don't feel that I really belong fully in either place. I am not needed at home, really. If I were to disappear I'm not sure it would be noticed. At school, however, the space is not really mine. I am only there temporarily. It is somewhat like unpacking a suitcase at a motel. Why bother? Yes, you need to feel settled, yet you never really do. It's not your dresser or closet.
I don't write this for sympathy. I know that some of what I've felt is irrational, and I won't feel the same once this "blah" feeling goes away. I do write it for any of the readers who may also get down on themselves when they don't exercise. I write this for anyone who ever feels that what you are doing is not good enough.
If you are doing SOMETHING, it is good enough! So you don't always get up at the crack of dawn and exercise like you have told yourself you will. So you don't always choose the perfect breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So you don't give your job 120% today like you are used to doing. Give yourself a break. Know that you are doing the best you can for the moment.
My motivation is completely lacking right now, but it will be back some day. Today just isn't the right time. I am terrified I will gain weight again. Unfortunately, that is more than a possibility. It's a likelihood. Unfortunately, I can't do it all. I need to take my own advice and understand that. As long as I don't lose the drive altogether I'll be okay. My challenge to you: Take some time out to do something YOU love to do. Do it for a minimum of 15 minutes today. Do it again for 15 minutes tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up about doing something for yourself.