Motivation and Roles

My motivation has flown out the window. For the first time in nearly six months, I am just about ready to give up and quit this fight for weight loss. I can honestly see what people mean when they say that Americans are just too busy to eat right and exercise. To some extent that is very true.

As I sit writing this blog post I know I could be out running. I could be in cleaning the bathroom, which is in desperate need of a good scrubbing. I could be playing tag with the girls outside. I could do any of the above if I could just find the motivation. Does this make me lazy? I sure hope not. What it does make me is one exhausted human being.

I am frustrated, thinking about all the days that I dragged myself to the gym in the beginning of this journey. I thought it was tough, then, to exercise on a daily basis. Now I feel like I am exercising all day, then I need to find the last bit of energy to pull out and use for the "real" exercise of running, lifting weights, or whatever it is I could be doing to workout. Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a working woman has been an adjustment that I am just not doing well with.

On a fairly regular basis lately I have burst into tears for what appears to be no reason. No, dropping something on the floor isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is that now I have to bend over to pick it up, which is painful to my back that hurts and my head that aches. What is a big deal is that now I have to clean up the floor from whatever I spilled. That means taking the time that I really didn't have in the first place to get out the mop or the dish rag. What is a big deal is that while I was scrubbing the floor I saw 27 other little chores that need to be done.

Daniel has been fantastic about getting the house in order. Every day he does laundry and dishes. Every day he cooks dinner and helps the girls with their homework. Every day I come home and feel like I am in the way if I try to do something to help. Every day I feel like I haven't done my job, and I haven't cared for my husband and children the way they should be taken care of. I am losing perspective of what my role is in the home.

Student teaching is demanding. On the other hand it is incredibly rewarding. But, my identity has always been defined by who I am at home. Right now I don't feel that I really belong fully in either place. I am not needed at home, really. If I were to disappear I'm not sure it would be noticed. At school, however, the space is not really mine. I am only there temporarily. It is somewhat like unpacking a suitcase at a motel. Why bother? Yes, you need to feel settled, yet you never really do. It's not your dresser or closet.

I don't write this for sympathy. I know that some of what I've felt is irrational, and I won't feel the same once this "blah" feeling goes away. I do write it for any of the readers who may also get down on themselves when they don't exercise. I write this for anyone who ever feels that what you are doing is not good enough.

If you are doing SOMETHING, it is good enough! So you don't always get up at the crack of dawn and exercise like you have told yourself you will. So you don't always choose the perfect breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So you don't give your job 120% today like you are used to doing. Give yourself a break. Know that you are doing the best you can for the moment.

My motivation is completely lacking right now, but it will be back some day. Today just isn't the right time. I am terrified I will gain weight again. Unfortunately, that is more than a possibility. It's a likelihood. Unfortunately, I can't do it all. I need to take my own advice and understand that. As long as I don't lose the drive altogether I'll be okay. My challenge to you: Take some time out to do something YOU love to do. Do it for a minimum of 15 minutes today. Do it again for 15 minutes tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up about doing something for yourself.

Weight loss

When I stepped on the scale yesterday I was excited to see that I was down to 165 pounds. Throughout the day, though, it occurred to me that I was 167 the last time I weighed in. Therefore, I have only lost 2 pounds. It's been a month since I last weighed.

In a lot of ways I was bummed about only losing 2 pounds. I eat right most of the time, and I exercise as much as I can. Yet, it doesn't seem to be enough. Then I got to thinking. This month we spent a week at my parent's house while we were dog-sitting. We purposely didn't keep to as strict a diet because we knew life was going to be hectic as it was. This month Daniel went out of town with my dad, and they experienced some problems that got them back a day later than expected. I didn't eat well during that time, either. This month has been stressful for student teaching. I haven't gotten in as many days of running as I would like.

Overall, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I've decided to celebrate the 2 pounds of weight loss and be glad the scale is still moving in a downward motion. There are going to be plateaus and bumps in the weight-loss journey. I have to remind myself there were weeks at the gym when the scale didn't move at all, then it would shoot down a pound or two over night. Sure, I would have liked to see a 2 pound weight loss in a week instead of a month, but I have to give myself a break at some point.

I do think that I will be going back to a more strict diet, though. It is so easy to say that I will JUST have this ONE candy or handful of chips. It is really easy to say that I will eat something occasionally. Once again, how is occasionally defined? It's really easy to loose perspective of "occasionally." So, starting today I will be staying away from sodas, juice, and alcohol drinks. I won't be drinking calories. It's too easy to lose track of what is being consumed when it's in liquid form. Just dropping those calories should be enough to get the scale moving again.

Physical Limitations (Part 9)

The final type of physical limitation that has been affecting me in the past couple of months is carpel tunnel syndrome. After years of not being an issue, it has popped up again. I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel syndrome when I was 17-years-old. At the time it wasn't a big deal, except when it was.

I know, that doesn't seem to make sense. Anyone who has a chronic illness or injury will understand, though. Some painful conditions are not painful all the time. Carpel tunnel syndrome, at least for me, is this type of condition. Oddly enough, though this is definitely a physical condition, it seems to be affected by stress.

Carpel tunnel syndrome is a repetitive motion injury. It especially affects people who do a lot of keyboarding, and it used to be called the butcher's condition because of the number of hours they spent cutting meat in the same motion day after day. Nobody knows for sure what caused my carpel tunnel syndrome, though it has been said that it could have come from the amount of pressure forced on my wrist in the car accidents. That actually makes sense, since it is mainly my left wrist that is affected.

At any rate, with carpel tunnel syndrome the nerves that run into the wrist are pinched as the surrounding tissue swells. There are times when the swelling is visible, and that is the worst. Twisting my wrist can become especially painful. These last few weeks there have been times when holding a book in my left hand is so painful tears come to my eyes.

This is another reason I haven't been to the gym in the last couple of weeks. Besides being painful, grip strength decreases when the carpel tunnel is acting up. I would not feel comfortable lifting weights at the gym right now. I never know when I am going to drop something when I am in this type of pain, and I would hate to drop a weight on my toe or on my head.

Fortunately this, too, has not been a huge deal in my life. It comes and goes, and I have learned how to live with it. The little things are starting to add up, though. At these moments I get frustrated with myself. For now I am just happy that I am on the right track. I may not be doing as well as I was a couple of months ago, but there have been big changes in my life. I have to make adjustments where I can.

Half-way through student teaching

Today I am half-way through student teaching. In a lot of ways I feel like I just started teaching yesterday. In many other ways I feel like I am ready to have my own classroom now. My mentor teacher has had a few days off because his son is sick, so I've had a great opportunity of running the show, so to speak. There has been a substitute teacher in the room, but I've done all the teaching. The subs kind of sit back and just make sure the class doesn't get too out of control.

Unfortunately our worst behavior problem got even worse without Mr. Hodges in the room. All three days that Mr. Hodges was gone, our behavior guy went to the principal's office. I hate how that makes me look like I can't manage the classroom. I've been assured that it doesn't reflect poorly on me at all, but I can't help but to feel defeated. The other students react to this one boy, and the days just spiral downhill until he is eventually removed from the room. I am mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Heck, I'm exhausted by the end of the first hour if our behavior friend is having a bad day!

There have been awesome moments. I taught a writing lesson that impressed even myself. The work the students produced was incredible. When I got done grading the assignment I sat back and thought, "That was 100% me." I led those little horses to water, and I got them to drink! In the past I have said that this class doesn't put much effort into their work. On this day I must have been able to light a spark because I saw some writing brainstorming that I would have expected to see from from much different children. I can't wait to see what else comes from this writing assignment. The students and I are in for a journey together as this writing assignment will be the biggest one they have ever done- about 10 paragraphs of a realistic fiction story. It will take them two months to complete this assignment. Monday we will start character development, and I am excited!

Student teaching has been wonderful, but today I am a little down because of how hard this week has been. I really do enjoy it, but at the moment it is hard to pull out the good parts. For now, I will leave this entry as it is. I am hoping to give a better update at this time next week. I AM going to be a good teacher. Now I just need to figure out how to believe that in the middle of a class that is falling apart because a 5th grader who is bigger in all ways than I am has thrown himself on floor and is making mooing noises.

Student teaching and health

I am half-way through student teaching. Right now I am frustrated and feeling defeated, but overall I am excited about teaching. This week has been particularly difficult.

One thing I am really noticing is that there just doesn't seem to be any time to exercise or do things for myself. I rarely read any more, and when I do I fall asleep within minutes. This is wearing me down quickly. Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a full time teacher and student has been a rough transition.

I have been getting out to run an average of 2-3 times per week. This is probably pretty good for what my schedule is like, but it doesn't seem like enough to me. I am afraid of gaining weight because I'm just not getting the exercise in that I was before. This society we live in is just not set up for people to get everything done that we should be doing for our health and well-being.

I have approximately 6-8 hours worth of work to get done. I need to do grading, enter the grades into the grade-book program, then worry about lesson planning for next week. I do know that I do more planning than others, but I just don't feel prepared with less than what I do. My mentor teacher continues to say that I go above and beyond what is required, but to me this is what teaching is all about. Bringing in additional material to make the subjects come alive is my way of making learning relevant to the students' lives. I will continue to look for ways to make education fun for the children so they want to come to school every day.

I have not been eating well in the last couple of weeks, either. It is hard to keep up a strict diet when one is always on the run. Daniel has been fantastic, keeping up with the household chores, cooking, and helping the girls with their homework. Dinner is not an issue. Breakfast, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I have always hated eating breakfast, so I have learned to force that meal. When I was staying home it wasn't too bad. I could eat breakfast when I felt like it, and I could split it up into two very small meals. Now that I leave the house at 7 AM, that is not an option. I can't eat again until after 11, so I must eat when I have the opportunity. Granola bars, loaded with sugar, have become the breakfast choice I grab the most. I hate starting the day with a huge dose of sugar, but the thought of eating anything else that early in the day just turns my stomach. It doesn't matter how early I get up, either. It's the same story- eating in the morning is simply unappealing to me.

Lunch is also a struggle. I usually have so much on my mind by the time lunch comes that sitting and eating is the last thing I want to do. I have been known to walk around my classroom with a sandwich in one hand, writing notes on the board with the other hand. Mr. Hodges is constantly encouraging me to slow down and eat, but my brain is moving too fast. Just about the time I get caught up on one thing, I realize there are 50 things I need to do for next week. It wouldn't be so bad in the second year of teaching because I would have read all the text books, but for now I have to read ever word before I teach it.

I'm not complaining- I'm really not. I just feel stressed out and overwhelmed at the moment. Add the discipline problems I've been having in class and I feel like I'm drowning. There's only a few more weeks of student teaching, though, and it will go by quickly. I'll take a couple of weeks off to stay home and enjoy our quiet house, then I'll jump in and start putting in applications for a job. I know I'll sub at the same school I'm student teaching in, and I'll put in sub applications in some of the nearby charter schools. That should keep me busy until I get offered a full-time position.

Student Teaching Evaluation

Today is my second official student teaching observation. I have my formal lesson plan ready to go, and my Ottawa University supervisor will be there at 2:00 this afternoon. She will be watching me present a lesson in social studies.

I am not really extremely nervous about this evaluation. I have been getting more and more comfortable in the classroom. I am somewhat concerned, however, because the students have not been taking to social studies well. They are chatty and just not quite as receptive to learning as they are earlier in the day. We'll see what happens.

Today I am adding a game to our reading and note-taking, so I think it will go pretty well. A couple of the students don't like games, but for the most part the games have gone over well in the past. Today I am going to try a version of tic-tac-toe. The students will get to fill out the appropriate letter if they get an answer to a question correct. The catch is that I will not call on students who have their hands raised. I will be pulling names randomly, so all the students will be held accountable for getting the reading done.

Even though I am only one-third done with student teaching, my supervisor wanted my mid-term evaluation from my mentor teacher today. I guess she is killing two birds with one stone. Mr. Hodges went over my mid-term with me yesterday. I agree with the areas he marked as needing improvement, and I am thrilled with the positive comments he left. A staff member stopped me in the copy room yesterday and told me how highly Mr. Hodges speaks of me. I would love for that to translate into a job offer at the end of student teaching, but I won't get my hopes up too high. I knew going in that the likelihood of a job opening in the middle of the school year was slim.

I'm glad I got a good run in last night. Daniel watched the kids while I ran 2.5 miles. I feel strong and prepared. It's interesting how running can creep into other parts of life. There's a lot to learn from our bodies. Have a great day!

Physical Limitations (Part 8)

Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, All in my Head?

I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere along the line I started having some issues with serious fatigue. I thought it was because I was a mother, wife, and business owner. I was doing a lot of activities and handling a lot of stress. At some point, however, I realized that it was more than simply being tired. If it had been appropriate, there were times I could have gotten on the floor in the middle of Wal-Mart and fallen asleep.

I finally talked to a doctor, and after hearing my mom's health history, he was convinced that I have either lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or both. I didn't want to believe him, though, so I didn't go back to his office. When I brought up the subject a year or so later the second doctor told me he agreed with the first. This time I listened, but I took the doctor's advice. I didn't get tested due to the consequences regarding insurance.

When a third doctor, one I trusted more than any other, mentioned that I was probably following in my mom's footsteps I gave in. I came to realize that I would have to live life a little differently than planned. I started realizing that I may not have the energy other people do. I may need to break plans because I just need to sleep or sit and do nothing. This doesn't make me lazy. It does, however, require that my friends have a bit more understanding with me at times.

My mom found a beautiful way to describe living life with a chronic condition such as arthritis or lupus. It can be found here: www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory. Over the course of many months and years I learned how to figure out which activities would tire me out more. I learned that mentally stressful events could be even more draining than running a marathon for me. Some days I can be energetic and lively until 11:00 at night, and then there are days that by 11:00 in the morning I am done. The big trick was to learn to slow down when I needed to so I could extend that time period if I needed to.

Of all the physical limitations I face, this unknown disorder is the one that effects me the greatest and gives me the most frustration. I will wake up in the morning with every intention of exercising that night. When evening comes, however, there may be no way I can ask my body to perform one more task. I have had many reminders of this since committing to a healthy lifestyle, especially during these weeks of student teaching. It can certainly be annoying, to say the least, to have the mental motivation to exercise but not be able to get the body moving!

I don't know what condition I have, and I may not know for quite some time. The doctors all agree that knowing right now is not important. The tests are expensive, and the results can be hard to pinpoint. I wouldn't be treated with any medication at this time because the symptoms are just not that bad. So, for now, I will continue to live my life with the modifications I have proven to work for me. I am blessed to have a husband who understands and jumps in as needed. My children have come to understand that I can't always do things exactly when they were planned. For the most part, though, I live normally.

As a side note, we have become pretty convinced that my problem is lupus. I have an oddly shaped rash on my neck. It's not in the same spot as the typical chest rash, but it's pretty close, and I've never been accused of being ordinary. The rash comes and goes, and it really does correlate with my stress level. I also have a terribly embarrassing spot that showed up shortly before Andrea was born and has never left. It is the exact size and shape of a hickey, and it is placed just far enough forward on my neck to be annoying. I can't cover it up with my hair, and I have seen people staring at it. No, I am NOT some crazed sex maniac that runs around with a hickey to prove I've been taken! That, too, gets darker the more frazzled I become. Oy.

For now I will keep hoping for enough spoons at the end of the day to catch a good run. I've found that morning running wipes me out too much. I can do the sunrise exercise on the weekends so I can crash in the middle of the day if I need to. When the day comes that I just don't have any more energy left to end the day out on the road, we'll have to figure something else out. I just hope and pray that day is a long time from now. Who knows, maybe my knee will give out first and I'll never have to give in to the exhaustion and frustration of lupus.

Running vs. Gym

I think Daniel and I are both going to wind up being gym drop-outs. We have both decided that we really enjoy running, and we just aren't finding time to hit the gym like we were. Wow, it's hard to have two parents working full time, two children in school, and trying to find time to exercise. It has just been easier for us to strap on running shoes when the mood strikes or as we have time and go out the front door. My workouts can be done in the time it would take to drive to the gym and back.

I definitely don't regret joining the gym, though, and we are keeping our memberships through at least November because of the way the membership is set up. Joining the gym led us to finding something we really enjoy doing. The best thing about it is that we can run as a family. Some days we go out on separate runs, but a lot of days the girls run with us.

It's tough to decide to just give up on the gym, though. Tomorrow I think I may join a class while Daniel is at work. For that reason it's just a really hard choice. Paying the price for a membership seems silly sometimes, but not having the membership is limiting.

Well, I guess for now I don't have to make the choice, and that's a good thing. I have a bit of time to decide. I'd sure love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment!